News----Preservationists Attack Devil's Den, Steal Out House

Unable to wait any longer for the tardy National Park Service to act in regard to removing a non-period structure at Devils Den, Progressive Preservationists have stolen an outhouse from the battlefield. A note was discovered at the 'archaeological footprint' of the building. News that the heirs of the architect has sued the NPS to preserve the 1935 structure prompted this the group's aggressive tactics.

GNMP security officers at the time of the discovery nicknamed the group 'The Peepees' and doubted that the outhouse would be found intact. The self proclaimed 'Progressive Preservations' stated in the note that a second act would immediately follow. The outhouse was soon found with the boundaries of the park. While on the way to his office in the new visitors center, a ranger found the small structure.





Barry O'Bama, GNMP security officer, labeled the 'Progressive Preservationists 'as nothing more than a cadre of Toilet Talibans.'

Images Source: Gettysburg Daily

April 1st News---Undersecretary of State to Wed Bin-laden

Tauscher To Wed bin-Laden, April 1st News Service, April 1, 2009

Congresswoman and soon to be Undersecretary of State Ellen Tauscher (D-Alamo), shocked national and international diplomacy and fashion circles today when she announced she would wed Osama bin-Laden in a wedding to be held at a secret location in Nairobi this June. Supporters were elated for the couple and were relieved that the secret was finally out as a 2-year tryst between Tauscher and bin-Laden was about to be exposed on Entertainment Tonight.

“This is the reason Ellen was named to State,” said a source close to the couple. Indeed, President Barack Obama has agreed in principle to name Tauscher as a special envoy to al Qaeda in the hopes of reaching a detente with Fascist Islamic terrorism.

The happy couple plans to honeymoon at bin-Laden’s villa in Iran before they take up their trendy bi-mountain lifestyle; spending time between semi-permanent residences in a lavishly remodeled cave nestled in the hills overlooking downtown Kabul, Afghanistan, and a brownstone walkup in the rolling countryside of Pakistan near the Afghan border. The couple registered at Target and Penney’s.

With a twinkle in his good eye, bin-Laden—clowning his world famous Johnny Carson imitation—said he was looking forward to riding Ellen like a goat. “Barefoot, naked, and in the pen at the back of the cave, that’s the right place for women.”